I have been holding off on writing this because I feel it’s a bit too angsty. I turned 28 on the 16th. It brought a lot of things to mind that I have been avoiding in one way or another. The short story is I don’t really like whom I have been, who I am, where I am at, and what I am doing, in the most general of senses. In the 27 previous years I have been on the earth, I look back, and am not pleased with the score. I have caused tremendous pain to those that cared the most for me, and ironically, I cared the most about. I have been really bad at meeting not only my needs, but the needs of others. I have put myself first on a regular basis. I have been cruel, selfish, thoughtless, and hurtful to a degree that actually sickens me. The interesting part is that I only have myself to blame. And once that blame is done, there isn’t a while lot to be done about repairing the damage. What do you do when you hurt someone close to you? What do you do when love is paid back in carelessness? What can be done to repair hurt? And what do you do when no one else cares about your efforts?
Some people have noticed a change in me. A shift to a significantly less happy me. Depressed, despondent, out of sorts, are all words used to describe me. Unfathomable sadness is a bit much, but I like the sound of it. I have learned that family, and true friends are important. That there are certain people, for certain places in your life. I have had the benefit of having what I feel are a few incredible friends that I feel a remarkable bond with. We have had our share of trials, but our connectedness has transcended rough spots of hurt, pain, and even betrayal. Each time, in the fire of crisis, a stronger connection was forged in the fire.
I think too much. I am a relentless problem solver. And, I have um…issues. Rarely have I acted rashly, and I have never acted on impulse. I am more Spock than Kirk, more Picard than Riker, and more Daniel Jackson than Jack O’Neil. And where has that gotten me? Here. Nothing better than being able to hold yourself accountable for your poor results. So yeah, it’s vague. It’s supposed to be. I don’t know who the frick you are. Or why you are reading this. So yeah, that’s all for now. Pervasive sadness out.